Yet again, someone has pissed me off.

I like to think of myself as the picture of imperturbability; a model of calm whose placid demeanor is rarely ruffled by the vagaries and minor annoyances of daily life. But this is not wholly accurate. If I am to be honest with myself, I must admit that at some times and in certain contexts I have a pretty short fuse. To wit: men who jog with their shirts off, bicyclists wearing skintight clothing, and dudes wearing T-shirts emblazoned with images of Che Guevara routinely piss me off pretty much anytime I see them. But in their defense, these individuals are not intentionally trying to anger me. It’s not as if they woke up in the morning, and thought, “hmm, what I can do today to piss off Dalton?” They are just being dumb-asses.

But the cat who pissed me off last night cannot claim that defense. He was intentionally being an ass. Allow me to elucidate: last night I was at a rock and/or roll concert, and I was standing next to my friend Cheryl sharing an amusing anecdote about the time my homey Doug had a “moment” with Dave Matthews backstage at a Trey Anastasio show. But before I could finish the story, this dude tapped me on the shoulder and told me I was speaking too loudly and interfering with his ability to hear the band. Are you f’ing kidding me? This is a rock show. The volume is up so loud that many people are wearing earplugs. And this sucka is actually suggesting that my voice is loud enough that it is overwhelming the sound of many large amps? Seriously?

Generally, people draw on established social conventions to determine their behavior. If you are at the ballet or the opera, everyone tacitly accepts that everyone should remain quiet during the performance. People even suppress coughs until the end of a movement. But as far as I know, this is not the established social convention concerning rock concerts. (Please let me know if you believe otherwise.) In fact, I have been to scores, and perhaps hundreds, of rock concerts, and last night was the first and only time anyone has suggested that audience members should remain quiet during the performance.

I would like to draw a distinction between unintentionally rude behavior and intentionally rude behavior. Despite the fact that I think this dude’s request was patently absurd, I will concede that my behavior, at least in his mind, was negatively affecting his enjoyment of the show. However, this was completely unintentional on my part. Never did it occur to me than someone at a rock and/or roll show would have a problem with people talking during the performance. But the cat who spoke to me was being intentionally rude. He prefaced his request for me to be silent with “I don’t mean to be a dick.” Invariably, if you feel obliged to preface a statement with that phrase, you are almost certainly being a dick. The best response is the one I employed last night: “well you may not mean to be a dick, but you are being a dick.” Not only was he being a dick, but he was being whiny as well. And I hate whiners. I went on to tell him that I always try to be considerate and polite, so I would refrain from speaking unnecessarily for the rest of the show. But I did want to make clear that I thought his request was unreasonable and stupid. His friend then chimed in that he did not pay for a ticket to hear me speak. It occurred to me to tell him that it would be well worth it to pay to listen to me speak, since I am a gifted public speaker with the ability to be both insightful and amusing. Instead I simply informed the wanker that I had not solicited his opinion nor did I find it especially interesting. With that, I turned my back to them so that we could all get back to the show. Later, I looked about for them halfheartedly to see if they would be interested in having their asses beat. (True story: I was once arrested for carrying concealed weapons when I had my hands in my pockets.) I couldn’t really spot them, though. All those dudes with ironic Girl Scout T-shirts and black frame glasses look alike to me. Wankers.